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I've made a few New Years Resolutions!

I want to make some serious changes in my life. Not superficial things like losing weight, stopping smoking, dressing better. I mean, I want to make those changes, but those are just kind of external changes. They never seem to stick and I think it is because I need to change some things on the inside. Until I clean house it doesn't matter what I hang on the walls, right?

So I spent a lot of time this summer looking at my life and trying to figure out what causes me to be unhappy. I thought about it a lot, to the point where I began to wonder if maybe I needed medication! I realized that the things I thought were *symptoms* of my unhappiness were actually *causes* of a lot of my woes. Funny how that works, you know? So anyways once I figured out what was going on I paid more attention to it all and certain "threads" began to pop out at me. Commonalities in my interactions with other people. Sometimes I would do the things that were making me unhappy and I wouldn't even realize it! Then I figured out that I can look at how others respond to me to know when I'm doing it.

So what are the things that cause my unhappiness but I thought were symptoms?

1) I interrupt people. I used to think I interrupted people because I was unhappy that I wasn't being heard. Nope. People quit talking to me when I interrupt them and THAT makes me unhappy.

2) I deflect and change the subject during conversations. See reasoning in #1.

3) I am extremely judgmental and critical. I always thought I was crabby and critical of others because I was unhappy that they didn't agree with me. Nope. People think I'm a giant %%$*%%% when I tell them what they should be doing and how they should be doing it! THAT is what is making me a bitter and condescending woman who will likely end up with nothing but feral cats for company.

4) I pretend to be an expert and offer my "expertise" (really just my opinions hidden as expertise). I always thought I did this because I was insecure and lonely, desperate for any attention that anyone would give me -- negative attention is better than none, right? NO! When I would do this people would shun me, talk about me behind my back, play tricks on me (to force my hand and show my lack of knowledge) and that was what was making me a seething pool of hate filled, lonely, emotional drek.

5) I offer advice to people when what I'm really trying to do is control them. I thought I did this because I felt like my own life was out of control. NO WAY JOSE! It turns out that no one wants to hear a danged word I have to say or seeks out my "advice" because they know that I will just belittle them and nag them until they do what I want. The fact that people just wished I'd shut the heck up already was why I was so miserable and doomed to a lifetime of daytime television and candle lit tv dinners for one -- in fact the only place where people would even interact with me was on these very message boards! Even then I found that people didn't talk to me so much as around me. I would be the butt of jokes and pranks because they knew that they could count on a condescending, hypocritical, long winded response wrapped in the guise of a sweetness so saccharine as to be vomit inducing.

So I've been working on all these character flaws that were so obvious to others but of which I was totally oblivious. I think I'm getting better. My "meaty" resolutions this year:

1) Never interrupt again
2) Stop deflecting and changing the subject
3) Stop being critical of others, or at least stop voicing my criticism (it is easier to change the action than the feeling)
4) Stop pretending to be an expert
5) Stop offering unsolicited advice

Happy holidays! I hope that everyone has a productive, useful, and amazing 2009!

Thank you, Zandranna, coming from you that means a lot to me!